Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I Was Uncertain

I love to share my joy and my life's little tid bits on my blog but I wasn't to sure if I wanted to share this kind of stuff. But the more I thought about it I realized that my blog is about ALL my life good and bad. Also knowing that those who follow me are friends and are always there for me to talk to.
Yesterday evening I found out that my father, who I have been estranged to for close to 20 years, passed away December 9 2009 of cancer. I only found out by chance and I have to say I have not handle it very well....not at all like I thought I would anyway. Without going into to many boring details and dragging his name through the mud...let's just say we were never a priority in his life! It's who he was. I never really thought that maybe one day he would come to some realization that his treatment of his family was unacceptable and who would maybe try to contact me to say......something?
Now I know it won't ever happen. What bothers me the most though is that even on his death bed I was never a thought or important enough thought to have sent word to me that he was ill or to say sorry for how things were and how they turned out. I think that is what is hurting me so much!!
I know I need to just remember that that was who he was and he was the same way till the day he died.
But for right now it's not helping my heart, I guess this is my way of grieving.
This feels like I am bringing everyone down but it's something I felt I needed to share maybe it will help me in my healing. Thank you for letting me vent and cry.

On a happier note.....I finshed my elephant today!
Hopefully by tomorrow I will have enough energy to take some pictures to show you. Right now I am exhausted and emotionally drained. Thank goodness for my bears and being able to put my heart and soul into it cause it sure helped me!!
Hug the Ones YOU Love!!!
Kristina
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10 comments:

The Bear's Blog said...

Dearest Friend,

It's okay to cry - it will make you feel better. Maybe, just maybe your Dad was ashamed and didn't know how to come back. The longer someone stays away the more difficult it can be to come back. And of course you grieve, he was your Dad. You can talk to him now, it's okay -

I hope I have helped you in some small way. And what do I always tell you when you are having a difficult day? "Go hug some fur" - go now, and find Julie and FatCatJames and hug them.

Hugs,
me

JRB CREATIONS said...

I am so sorry you are hurting! It is good that you have the bears and minis to help and also your wonderful mom! Please take care, and I agree, the tears do help!

P.S.
I went through a similar situation with my father, so if you ever just want to talk please don't hesitate to e-mail me!!
Hugs,
*Jeannette

Laura~DancesWithTeddyBears said...

My heart goes out to you, Kristina. I know, I feel, I understand.
My father nearly ruined my life and I've blogged about it, maybe too often. But it somehow helped.
I have no words of wisdom, wish I had, maybe I'd listen.
Please know I'm thinking of you and I truly care.
Hugs,
Laura

The Littlest Thistle said...

Sorry to hear of your loss. Despite the fact that you were estranged, you have still lost him, and should grieve. Big (((((HUGS)))))

KRISTINA said...

Thank you Joyce! I appreciate the kind words!!!
Hugs

KRISTINA said...

Thank you Jeannette! I just need to go through the motions and allow myself to grieve.

KRISTINA said...

Thanks Laura! I appreciate it! I do feel better talking about it on my blog. Allows for a little emotional release.

KRISTINA said...

Thank you Katy!!! I agree and thanks for the hug!!!

Melanie Clark said...

Sending you more hugs, I know you can use them. I hope you feel better soon. I know you are hurting.
Hugs,
Melanie

FenBeary Folk said...

(((()))) to you, parents can be so cruel in life, have a good cry and then cry some more, you are not responsible for others actions
Sue xxxxxx